Day 86: NotOK, Cupid

Last Wednesday evening, I for real joined OKCupid (and, yes, the profile I composed was very similar to the fake one I wrote for this blog) and since then have received 58 messages, approximately 3 of which appear to have been written by sane, literate humans, the rest of which are written either by robots, illiterate humans, insane humans, or some combination thereof. It’s been quite an eye-opener. If you’ve never been on a dating website or if you have been on a dating website, but you’ve not been in the market for straight men, you might find it interesting to see what kinds of messages women on dating websites receive from straight men or robots pretending to be straight men. The following are the most priceless nuggets I’ve received so far. And it was tough whittling it down to ten. I have not edited any of these except to remove any parts at the end providing name and contact information. But almost all of these are printed here in their entirety, i.e. they really are this abrupt. I considered offering snarky commentary but decided it would be redundant. These speak for themselves.

  1. Wow what a beautiful Angel i will never call you by your name i will always call you an Angel because you are so and beautiful hope to hear from you soon.
  1. Hi,
    Meet during the day? Wine? Hand holding?
  1. Hi, so why not on Saturday? Let me guess. I’m good at these kriptic things. Bloging. Right? Toast making. Naming your socks. Walking around in the dark looking at the floor like a crackhead?
  1. You’re super funny – I love you’re sence of humer. Any chance your 420 friendly and like guys with beards? I own an edible company, am in an open relationship. Im looking for fun new friends.
  1. Hey. Wasup happy hour?
  1. If the department had offered you a deal whereby you could avoid having to defend your dissertation but would have grown an extra toe, would you have taken it? It’d be a small toe, and it wouldn’t be too noticeable, but it would make shoe shopping much more challenging.
  1. Hello pretty sexy lady your beautiful can I please get 2 no u better if u don’t mind ok
  1. Friend,
    Greetings of the day.
    Would you like to be my friend?
    I like your pics.
    Breath of fresh air, Indeed.
    I do believe I like you.
    May I request you to read my profile in full please?
    You will find it the most well written, Honest, Straightforward and Truthful to the point.
    Your response is appreciated.
    Have a good day but
    Have a Great life.
  1. If youre looking for a 30swm boy toy to spend some time with. Hit me up. Youre so fine.
  1. hello there! how are you doing? BTW I am Sgt ——–…I just joined this site within the lil time interval of work… I would have loved to chat with you right now but I have got to get my ass off from here to patrol before it gets kicked off for me by the commandant lol

9 thoughts on “Day 86: NotOK, Cupid

  1. marissaklopez says:

    I actually kind of like #3; who among us hasn’t wandered around like a crackhead? Also, #9. I’d hit that. Boy toy? Absolutely.

    • Marissa, I agree with you and with Andrea below that walking-around-like-a-crackhead guy has a certain charm, as does extra-toe guy. There’s a deadpan oddness about both of these messages that I appreciate. To be honest, I only didn’t reply to either of them because they weren’t pretty enough.

  2. Personally, I think the extra toe person shows promise. Also, it reminds me of the first (and only) date I had with a guy who actually asked if he could suck on my toes WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

    This was a long time ago, but it WAS in California.

      • What I find especially hilarious about sence-of-humer guy’s message is that every detail he adds is just another nail in the coffin. I have also thought A LOT about his “edible company.” I picture something like Prince Pondicherry’s chocolate palace in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

  3. martinus scriblerus says:

    Even the weak/not weak beat of “fun new friends” even in Sence’s message is masterful. Is it clumsy innuendo? Or is he actually kind of too high to insinuate anything and he’s just, like, looking for some fun new friends bc thatd be so nice yeh?

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