Dearest Readers,

What was it someone once said? A dedicated band of readers, as adept at skimming pond-surfaces as scrambling down rabbit holes, will always help a duck-rabbit find its way home?

Between the day in mid-July when I posted my first dispatch and today, almost exactly three months later (is that really all it is?), you lot have somehow found the time to view Notes from the Duck-Rabbit Hole more than a 1000 times.

What’s that you say, your website gets a thousand views every 2.9 seconds?

That’s really not the point now, is it? Because I only have, like, 20-odd readers. So, 1000 views divided by 20-something readers, that’s …. that’s … well, as you know (because you know me), I’m very poor at maths, but that’s A LOT of views per reader. Like, fortyish views per reader. And there are only 26 posts! (27, including this one). So, that means you read some of them more than once, just for larks!

You people are truly committed.

Committed procrastinators, that is. Don’t pull that face at me. You know what I’m talking about. You still haven’t finished That Thing, have you? Don’t give me “What Thing?” with that innocent expression, you know what Thing, the Thing that haunts your waking moments and assumes sinister shapes in your dreams, the Thing that you’re avoiding right now. It’s quite amazing to me, as I sit surveying you all from the multi-screen console that is housed in the duck-rabbit-hole’s deepest recess, to see how many of you click on a new dispatch within minutes of my having posted it, when you have so many more important tasks to be getting on with, most especially That Thing. Don’t you just want to get it off your desk already? Think of how much better you’ll feel!

What’s that? Did I finish my Thing? No, of course I didn’t, why do you think I’m writing this? But, you’re changing the subject: we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you. And, frankly, I’m concerned that you’ve been procrastinating on That Thing for this long. Have you considered seeking professional help? My rates are very reasonable, for Santa Monica.

I mean, I ask you, is it normal to be this easily distracted?

No. No it’s not normal, my friend. It’s highly irregular.

And might this chronic procrastination be symptomatic of some more serious kind of existential crisis?

Yes. Oh, yes it is. You, my friend, are in serious trouble.

What should you do? Well, without the full 90 minute $750 initial consultation, I really couldn’t say but … have you thought about a career change? What about all the years you spent in graduate school, you protest? Sunk costs, my friend, sunk costs. Cut your losses now and get out while you still can. You’re still youngish … well, OK, not youngish exactly … but, you know, these days, 80 is the new 20, so what are you waiting for: get another degree! Go on! You know you want to! Or: revaluate your spiritual beliefs? Take some time to find yourself? Exercise more? Eat more protein? (Trader Joe’s peanut butter is an excellent source of protein …)

Whatever you do, or don’t do, rest assured, the duck-rabbit will be here to support you through this testing period as you have supported it in its time of need (I mean, don’t get the wrong idea; we’re not out of the hole yet; the departmental vote is in mid-November …. There will be dark days ahead. But I feel better than I did in July. That’s something. And I have you to thank.)

It’s true, though, that I don’t know exactly whom to thank. I mean, I know who signed up to follow the blog. But are those the same people who actually read the blog? I assume so, but I really don’t know. A lot of the duck-rabbit’s followers were quite aggressively arm-twisted into signing up. And, let’s face it, it would be rather galling if one’s closest family members not to mention one’s shrink, having been courteously invited, actively elected not to follow one’s blog, now wouldn’t it? So, yes, they (you?) didn’t have much choice. But who knows if they (you?) actually read it! [1]

Hey-ho. It doesn’t really matter. Whomever you are, long-suffering colleagues, longer-suffering friends, longest-suffering family members, lavishly-compensated mental health professionals, and all: I sincerely thank you. Please do come back again soon. It’s not the same without you.

Yours very truly,

Your very own furry, webfooted

Rabid-Duckwit

Notes

[1] Are you there, Dr F? It’s me, Duck-Rabbit. While I’ve got you here (if you are here), just a heads up: my Longinus Complex has been playing up; can we blame it on the Santa Ana winds? The effusions haven’t been out of control thus far but there’ll be transports a-plenty to discuss tomorrow … Bis bald!